Nipping at My Heels

I try to keep as much fear out of my life as possible. That's not to say that I'm such an evolved human being to have known at a distance how destructive fear can be; I know to keep it out of my life because my life already bares it's marks.
I say I try because I haven't succeeded. The truth is I am scared. Sometimes I'm downright terrified. Right now my heart is running on overdrive and if I looked I'm sure I could verify that my pupils were the size of quarters.
I'm 23 years old and I have the fear of failing nipping at my heels. It's been there for years. I can't remember the last day I didn't doubt myself, question if what I'm doing is right, question if...fuck it, screw trying to make myself look bigger than I am: questioning if I'm good enough. There it is in all it's insecure glory.
I've seen failure as we all have, but I haven't seen a lot of success, not up close and personal, and I often wonder if I missed out by not seeing someone succeed close to me. I don't know the motions, I'm simply making this up. It'd be easier if I was doing things simply, but I'm not. It's not to say that a degree from a university will necessarily make life any easier but it's generally not the decision that sets your life on a collision course with the bottomless cup of coffee at a 24 hour coffee shop, talking to random strangers about how you almost had it all, how great you were, how your whole life is a mix of near misses and that if you add them all up, there's got to be a big win in there somewhere.

It gives me chills.

You know that girl in the front of the class with her hand permanently raised, who always bent the curve against you, eager for tests and always pushing the standard of the class for more work and higher goals? That was me. Yeah, I'm a nerd, and I still have a great rack; I know, it's fucking astounding. I'm not looking for smart points here; I was in an LAUSD school, so any excellence I showed there should sit next to the side note detailing the substandard education of the Los Angeles School District, adding that probably every average student from most other developed countries in the world could beat out the creme de le crem of North Hollywood high school. Not to mention that I was thoroughly high throughout a lot of it. That goes to show just how difficult it must have been if someone still shaking off the drips of Acid can ace her way through it.

The point is that I've always had high standards for myself. I've always been competitive, and it wasn't my security in my intelligence that kept me raising my hand, but the eagerness to reach some kind of competency that I couldn't doubt at the end of the day, and the fear that I wouldn't ever get there.
I'm very competitive, but I'm not the kind of personality that comes out believing she's really the best and that the only people she has to prove it to are those on the outside looking in. I'm my biggest critic, in fact, I'm not sure if I've ever really believed in myself. I've believed that the person I want to become can do anything and is successful and intelligent and capable and talented, but I'm not yet that person, so how could I believe it? It'd be premature and being secure in my ability could possibly halt my progression. Maybe I'd get comfortable, maybe even cocky and arrogant, and then it'd all go to hell and I'd never even catch a glimpse of who I want to be.

I always intended to go to College; it wasn't even a question. I didn't just want to go to college, I wanted to drain every last drop I could get from it, I intended to push the capable professors to new degrees of ability in pushing me. I intended to stay longer than the purport of a degree; I wanted to stay until I felt I learned as much as I could from that institution. College was like a fantasy to me. It was a place where all you had to do was learn and you could do it as long as you like. Of course, I hadn't really considered the money side of it and my family isn't exactly basted in dough (not my immediate family anyway, and that's the only ones who really matter in the end anyway; they're the ones you live your life with and ever really know).

If I really pushed it, I'm sure I could have gotten scholarships and grants, but that only covers so much, and then of course, life decided it wasn't slowing down for college, and hell; it had a pretty persuasive argument, so I went along. Art school seemed pretty pathetic compared to how I had imagined it, proving itself as mere ego justification grounds rather than offering anything I was looking for, so I didn't want to go there anyway, but I still had interest in widening my focus at a more general university.

I've seen countless non-graduates succeed, and I've seen countless more graduates fail. It doesn't determine whether or not you succeed, but it's still a question that hangs over my head. Should I have? Did I miss the boat? I often wonder if that decision will play a bigger role in my life than I'd like it to.
I haven't' stopped learning though; if I did I'd go crazy. I've been learning in a field that was part of an alien tongue to me just three years ago. The magic of computers and all the little doo dads and splinkies it can do. I've learned design in 2d, 3d, animation, film, merging traditional art with 3d design, editing, special effects, 3d modeling, dozens of other software with application into dozens of different fields. If I were in college this whole time, I wouldn't have come as far as I have because of how I've dealt with the learning curve and that I've been working on it pretty much non stop for the past two years with Tabulanis guiding my path. I know this, I really do, but it's not good enough for me. I don't like comparing myself to the average populations performance. I like to compare myself to the competition, to the exceptional and outstanding, though this often leaves me constantly reaching forward and never grabbing a well deserved ego trophy to make nights like these go by smoother.

All this worry will probably shorten my life span which could put a few kinks in my success plans, so I should really cut it out; that and I'm really not into dying at all, let alone early.

I've written here before about how having so many endeavors and interests sometimes keeps my time thin and keeps me on my toes, always rushing myself. It's hard not to feel like there's no time in a day when you have a dozen projects on your list and the clock keeps on ticking. Sometimes the projects you love get lost in the shuffle, and then you start to wonder if doing it on your own is worth it if your losing time on your real goals.
Above all else, I want to write. There's no pride beyond having readers fall into my books as I have with so many others. I'll know success when I have readers who feel that small strange loss when you finish a great book; satisfied from the story, but so connected to the characters and invested in the story that you feel you'd do anything to see it never end. That's my idea of real accomplishment; I only hope I'll have enough time to get there.
I know how far I have to go. Being that I haven't written in months doesn't help with this at all, as it slows me down and keeps me farther from my goal, and has kept my mind almost completely out of writing. I need to immerse myself in it so that I'm always pushing myself to perform as a writer and then maybe I can get there. I have potential as a writer and maybe even a little talent, but I'm not there yet, and I wouldn't want to "chop wood in front of a master" before I'm ready (A Chinese proverb meaning not to embarrass yourself showing off mediocre skill in front of a master).

I don't have a day job, so I have no excuse not to be working. This means that if I'm not working, I feel guilty, and the whole time I'm sitting there watching a TV show or hanging out at the bar, my mind is on my work and somehow my anxiety is ticking off the hours I've waisted and adding it to my list. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, but even I know this is ridiculous. I should be able to relax and do things like this from time to time; to do anything I want and not just what I feel I have to. Luckily I'm invested in my work, so it's not loveless for me, but it has a strong hold on me and sometimes I really do need to be able to walk away from it and let it be. It won't fade away, my future isn't balancing on the edge and isn't contingent on me spending my every waking moment on work. I need to breathe.

I wonder if I'll recognize success when I get there. Maybe I'll just run past it and keep working myself right into a wall.
I suppose there's really no point in wondering whether or not I'm good enough at any of this; it'll all come down eventually without me asking whether I like it or not, and none of it will matter.

Just pushing myself to write these little blogs takes a lot of convincing for me to do. These blogs don't accomplish anything and aren't a part of a bigger project. The only validation I have for it is that at least I'm writing, though I always end up doing it late into the night when my brain is dull (It's 8:30 am and I've yet to sleep), so even then, the writing is pretty shoddy anyway. So my only excuse is that I need it, that if I don't stop sometimes and force myself to relax and ease my brain, my anxiety about success will keep me from ever reaching it.