Fire is a horrible way to die (I've never tried it, but if the opportunity arises; I'll pass), but when you step back and look at it, it strikes you. You cannot deny the beauty of fire. You can in fact fear fire and still admire how oddly beautiful it is. Look at it. Beauty like that is why people made religion. It's beauty is huge, so huge in fact that when seeing it, people revere it so much as to give it a god so they might worship it and thank the idol for this great gift that's too beautiful to believe that a great artist did not have their hand in creating it.
Horrific things can be beautiful. I've been looking online for a picture of what I mean, but I can't find it. I'll have to describe it instead. In one movie (I can't remember which) when the woman died, one single dark red streak of blood rolled down her starkly white face. I remember I actually commented on it then, saying how beautiful it was. Most of the people in the room looked at me with a raised eyebrow, but they also ended up conceding the fact that yes there was some beauty in it. That dark streak of blood on her perfect white face was in fact beautiful regardless of the fact that the poor girl was dead.
I have no fascination with death. I have no desire to wield it on others or experience it myself....ever. That scene wasn't beautiful BECAUSE she was dying; it was beautiful because she was beautiful in spite of dying...sortove. The fact is beauty isn’t' always pretty. That might sound contradictory, but if you think about it, it's true. Those terribly sad moments in a movie where he loses his lover at dusk and there's just enough light to see him crying her away, you are in awe. That same light on a vase of flowers would not hold the same beauty. There would be pretty light and pretty flowers but no striking beauty to be found. There is a real power in this kind of beauty. It gets under your skin and makes you shiver and sigh and somehow you never forget it, and maybe for the rest of your life when the day is at dusk and the light is just right, you will feel like you've suddenly lost something important to you, though you can't remember what.
I've been given the task of avoiding this kind of beauty and all other ambiguously unpretty beauty. This poses a problem for me.
I'm not an accomplished artist. I am a young artist, who’s learning quite a bit quite quickly and works her ass off to see where it can bring her, but I'm not there yet and I'm more than willing to concede to that fact. As some of you know, I have an art show coming up and there are a few problems with my art in Chinese art shows. The biggest problem so far is that my art isn't always pretty and being that I'm not a famous artist who can sell anything I paint no matter how awful, I have to make art that fits the bill. They want pretty. I knew they would, and I knew this was coming, but I didn't want to admit it. Part of the enjoyment for me when painting is making something that people will keep thinking about, things that will get under your skin and fester for a while (wow, I think I could've chosen a better word then fester....). I'm not sure if my paintings have actually succeeded in doing that, but that's what I'm going for.
Tonight I was actually asked to paint for walls. Yes, I am painting for walls now, well in a sense at least. To have the show, I need to paint with home design in mind, thinking what someone would want to hang on their dining room wall or entrance hallway. I've never thought like this, though I've always known I needed to. I don't like it because I'm afraid of how little it can do.
It will be wall art. ....Somewhere inside I just felt a chill.
I understand the usefulness of playing to my audience. I understand that before I can speak to "my audience" I have to actually have one, and that I need to show them that they can rely on me as their artist to produce things they can be proud or happy to have. Happy if it beautifies their home with pretty, proud if it carries a name with it that bolsters the home by having it in it. This is why you can have morbid abstracts in a home because although it's not pretty it has it's depth by having a name. God this is such horrible shit, but I understand it, and I concede to the fact that it is necessary for me to begin to build a...how do you say....persona. First you must prove to the community that you are good, then you can simply do and they will continue to back you by continuing to buy your work.
Part of the problem is that I see beauty differently. When looking at the work I have so far, when picking out the pretty stuff, myself and our associates disagree. I'm flabbergasted. I just don't get it. Some of the things they said weren't beautiful just made my head spin. I'm onboard now. I get it (I don't like it, but I get it), I see its usefulness and I will get everything I can out of the pretty paintings they want me to make for them. Now if I just knew what would be beauty for them. They can't want the same old thing...or can they? What would be the point in painting or selling the same old thing? Yeah, lots of people agree its pretty, but why do it again? Arg!!! My easel for the man who can draw a map of their mind and lay it out for me!
I can learn from this. I know I can, and I don't have to make the paintings shitty or worthless just because there's such a low ceiling. I can practice my technique, improve my textures and learn new styles. I can get something from this. I know I can. But all the little parts of Sienna are screaming out not to go too far; don't get lost in it, don't settle for easy pretty paintings that sell sell sell. It's just for now god dammit. It's just what they want and then we can move on and when I do, I'll be taking all this stuff I've learned with me so that the stunning beauties waiting to be painted are produced better, stronger more brilliantly. I need this. I don't want this, but I need this...........I Hate that.
I don’t' even know where to start. Impressionism? Nudes? (or is that too much for them?) Landscapes? Still life? No, fuck that. I'm not doing still life. I'm just not doing it. AAAAAARRRRGGGG!! An easel I say! An easel for the man with the map of their minds!
I'd just hate to paint a lot of pretty things and then find out it was wasted and wasn't what they were looking for. Can my views be so different in beauty? My perception of beauty I think is not uncommon. That we have disagreed so much on beauty already makes me nervous though. We haven't seen eye to eye yet, so really, I'm throwing darts blind, hoping they'll hit the right target. I guess we'll find out. If nothing else, this is a learning expereince doing something I haven't done with art and they're footing the bill. There's nothing wrong with that. Tomorrow I think I'll buy more canvas and just paint the shit out of it and see what happens.
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