I have this kick ass art box now (it looks like one of those industrial style things you transport music equipment in) and inside are all my recent paintings for this art show that is supposedly happening sometime soon. I look at that thin pile of paintings (34 in the box, but 34 makes for a small paper pile really), and it all looks disjointed. They float alone in there. There's nothing connecting them; no story, no theme, no style...they're just there, floating and looking respectively pretty, scary or interesting, but floating nonetheless.
That bothers me now. Today I am bothered by this big sense of why. I've pretty much always been an "artist", but today that word keeps nagging at me. What the fuck does that mean in the long run? What do I do? I'm not having an existential crisis or anything, I'm just looking at what I have now, what I've been doing and caring about so much for so long and wondering....what does it add up to? What can I do with it?
I'm working on this piece right now and I really like it. I think it's beautiful...and for some reason, today that pissed me off. Okay, it's beautiful, and if someone else thinks so too, it might find itself in an art gallery and then maybe on someone else's wall, but if not, then what? Then where does it go, what does it do? Or does it just sit there and look pretty under piles of dust and aging feelings of artistic validation? "It's good. You’re good. Pat yourself on the head and put that finished painting in the corner with the rest."
I think I'm kinda mean to myself sometimes. I've learned through looking at recent modeling pictures that I'm certainly mean to myself when it comes to how I look.
This photo shocked the shit out of me. Trust me; my personal version of myself is a lot bigger and a lot less attractive. I'm also mean to myself on other fronts. I'm very critical of not only what I produce, but why I produce it, how I produce it and what I produce can do now. I also question the hell out of myself. Like that whole right way wrong way thing; this keeps bothering me. I'm looking at what I value and pretty much poking it with the "Why" and "How come" stick.
I value art. I like to make it; I like to look at it. I value writing. I like to make it, I like to read it. I value movies...and so on. But this art thing has been pervasive throughout my whole life. It's been part of my identity. I am Sienna. I am an artist. Everyone who knows me knows this about me, but I never once stopped and asked myself why I want to be an artist. Sure, I had the easy answers of wanting to leave my mark and express myself and reflect what I see in this crazy world and see if maybe it's what other people see too. But what about the rest of it?
I look at that pretty painting and I wonder just how useful it is in my life, and that goes for the rest of them too. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm learning enough about my painting and drawing to be a semi strong artist, but now I'm wondering what I should do with it. Painting for painting's sake isn't going to cut it. Sure, if I had a bed of money I'm sure I could keep that up, but we're doing life our way and that means that whatever I'm spending my time on better add up to some kind of success in our future. I can't rely on someone else putting the pieces together for me. I'm not going through a university, I'm not in an aprenticeship or internship, and I'm not looking for someone else to finally recognize my value and punch me into their plan. We're making ours up. That means that with everything I spend my time on, I must weigh it's value. It has to play into our plan; it has to do something. I can't be a passive pretty painter in this scenario.
So I'm looking at the options for me as "painter chick", and I see a few ways for this to go; You've got illustrations for my own work and others, set design, concept art, animation, sets for animations, textures for special effects, comic books, and of course pretty gallery paintings. (I have nothing against gallery paintings as long as when they go up they don't just sit there. They must move out of the gallery and into a new home somewhere else).
I don't think that I can go after being an accomplished artist simply in the gallery world. For an artist, being famous for just painting pictures is a pipe dream. There are a lot of us out there and only a few well-marketed hard working fellows will make it big. The rest of us have to find a way to incorporate our art into the other media out there; film, video games, comic books, books, music, etc. (it helps that I have a lot of respect for all of these media)
I've always believed that to be a great artist you have to have a good foundation in something completely different from art. It keeps you honest so that you don't get completely wrapped up in the fictitious world where painters are infallible idols because they bleed art and see with their immensely misunderstood "depth". Having a foundation in something completely different also helps in doing two other things; it gives you perspective that is wholly un-arty and it gives you a fallback plan when pipedreams go awry. I do not, however believe that this should be something you don't enjoy or have no interest in, meaning that working at the local department store is not a worthy alternative to your pipe dream. If your dream sinks or swims; either way, you still shouldn’t' pack it all in for a cubicle coffin at 25. There's never an excuse for that.
I do believe you need the balance of something else in your life. Seeing as I'm still young, I've balanced this out with a whole lot of open ended learning until something starts to solidify. Things like language, history, and technology are good balancers. My problem is that I've spent a whole lot more time on the art side of things and I'm not satisfied yet with either my ability as a painter or with my effectiveness as a story teller or conceptual artist. Therefore I should at this point have a little more on the side of the "fall back plan" and alternate focuses.
Okay, I'm secure with my painting ability (as in I’m NOT insecure about it, though I'm still learning), now what I could really go for are some ways to make my art do something. Animations, movies, comic books, books, whatever, but if I don't see my art losing it's passivity, there might be some changes going on, because if my motivations aren't honest and strong, then just being an artist won't hold up in my plan. Art has to sink or swim for me now. Start showing me what you can do for me. Start showing me your muscles. I want to see you work. You've got your notice; put up or shut up.
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